Modesty

June 2014. Kai was 3.5 and this is a year before we allowed her to socially transition. She consistently told us, “you know I’m a girl”. This picture makes me smile. She made sure to cover her chest for the pic. My beautiful modest little girl ❤. She was still herself, even before I let her be herself. PS: Yes, that’s underwear on their heads. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The Ice Cape

Kai was three years and three months old in these photos. The “ice cape” was a laundry bag that she had claimed as her own and would wear it almost daily.

On the same day, this group photo took several shots because I kept yelling at Kai to “stop making girly faces” and “just let me get a picture.”

It’s all so clear now… Kai has always been Kai 💗 I am so thankful she helped ME transition.

Two steps back

Post 7 from the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids.

WARNING: This was early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 22, 2015

I bribed Kai to wear boy clothes today. *Sigh* My older kid’s had a school function and I didn’t want to risk the potential embarrassment that may cause them in front of their peers… It cost me a “My Little Pony” movie. Anyway. I feel so awful. I tried explaining on 4 yr old terms. Kai was so sad… crushed is probably a better word… her little spirit broken. Why did I do that to her? To protect my bigger kids I guess. Maybe to protect myself? Ugh. When will I quit taking one step forward and two steps back? When will I allow this to get easier?

Love unconditionally

Leelah Alcorn hoped her story would make a difference… it made a difference for Kai. Leelah’s suicide note would run through my mind almost constantly as I continued to try to force Kai to be a boy…

“If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.”

http://www.cnn.com/2014/12/31/us/ohio-transgender-teen-suicide/

The story of 4 year old Zachary Dutro-Boggess was another one I could not shake. While this baby was killed in 2012, the trial was in the news in 2014. The mom, using a slur, told her boyfriend that she thought Zachary was going to be gay. “He walks and talks like it. Ugh,” the mom wrote. She then asked him to “work on” the boy “big time.” The cute chubby-cheeked toddlers face sticks with me still.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/oregon-mom-found-guilty-murdering-4-year-old-son-thought-gay-article-1.1746234

Leelah & Zachary are examples of moms failing their children, they lost their lives because of bigotry… but they helped Kai to have hers by helping her mommy to not fail.

So I will endure the hateful attacks of those who have not fasted, prayed, and studied the Bible, the science, and the psychology of what it means to love unconditionally, what it truly means to not judge, what gender dysphoria is, and what it is not. My child is alive, happy, and loves Jesus. I am at peace and the Lord is pleased.

Focus on the good

While in line to check out at the grocery store the elderly woman in front of me was conversing with a teenager. She was a heavy set granny with a nose ring and tattoos sitting on the battery operated shopping chair. The young man was explaining that he needed cigarettes too as he placed the” malt liquor” on the counter and his way too baggy pants nearly fell to the ground. Granny flipped out her Lonestar card and I was beginning to think quite a few things when I stopped… Instead I began to think about all the times I have been hurt by the unfair judgments of others who have no clue about me or my life. I quietly bowed my head and asked God to forgive me. Then I purposefully noticed this teen who had driven this elderly woman to the grocery store and assisted her with her grocery shopping.

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable…-Philippians 4:8

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. -Matthew 7:1-2

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. –Luke 6:37

**This was an “On This Day” from my retired Facebook page. Y’all wouldn’t believe how many ugly messages I got when I posted this. I was even “unfriended” by a lady from my Bible Study group. Lol. Thank God I am now free from the bondage of the expectations of others.

Progress

WARNING: This was early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still occasionally used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts. is out of order (by date) because I asked permission before posting.

Yesterday my brother came to pick us up for a day at Moody Gardens. He saw Kai and said, “you cannot wear that”. Before I could jump in to defend my child my brother told Kai that the leggings did not match the skirt, and besides, leggings are going to be too hot for today. I was relieved to have at least one person supporting us.

I remember going out that day. I was so scared someone would know Kai wasn’t “really a girl”. I was in a stage of worrying constantly if she was “passing” as a girl.

It was a time filled with most of the people we loved disappointing us profoundly while others, like my brother, surprised us with their willingness to go on this journey with us.

Judge not

Post 5 from the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids…

WARNING: This was early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 19, 2015

Woke up this morning with a flood of emotions.

What if I just keep praying and believing for this kid to be manly. Why am I letting him pick his own clothes? Shouldn’t every kid pick their own clothes? He is almost 5. He isn’t a he. Yes he is!

It’s just clothes. It’s more than clothes and I know it.

I’m losing all of my friends. No, Kimberly. You’re finding out who your friends really are.

I want Christians to stop judging me. I want me to stop judging and hating Christians. It’s not all Christians. The church is the new mission field! I need to take Jesus there with me.

Do I stay in my church home? I love my pastor, but some of the members make it so incredibly difficult. My fear makes it difficult. Maybe the real problem is that I’ve been so judgmental about this topic in the past that I fear what they are thinking more than how they are behaving.

So I am more focused on my fear than on my Savior. There’s an abundance of scriptures warning about fear. I think I’ll meditate on these:

Proverbs 29:25

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

Psalm 118:6

I will not fear.

What can man do to me?

Pronouns matter

The forth post from the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids…

WARNING: This was early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 8, 2015

At some point I have to stop referring to this child as “he”. One more thing I never knew could be an issue.

Happy tears

The third post from the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids…

WARNING: This was early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 7, 2015

It’s another 3 am morning because it’s splash day at school. Splash day? Yes. It’s today’s fear. Lol

Bathing suit shopping for a girl (or boy… I’m still fuzzy here) was something that had me totally freaking out in my mind for a couple of days. So I prayed. I asked The Lord to please help me. If this is the right thing to do, help me. Help me find one of those surfer type suits with board shirts and swim top. On my lunch break I ran to a shop near work and there on clearance y’all… Pink board shorts and a shirt with daisies. Only one, and Kai’s size. In that moment I had to fight the happy tears. Happy tears like Kai’s when I gave the kid panties. Lol

I felt this sense of confirmation. Confirmation that my God still loves me and that maybe, just maybe, I’m making wise decisions.

I’m not getting into “how God works/doesn’t work”, I’m just sharing with you that He heard my cry and answered me.

So, this morning in true Gideon fashion (LOL) at 3 am staring at the ceiling beating myself up with mommy guilt (maybe I should check my thyroid levels) I asked Him if I am okay, if my kid is okay… I was struggling with just knowing I’m not sinning and leading my boys astray. And with a heavy heart and busy mind I randomly opened my Bible and underlined from who-knows-when, the most tender and comforting thing my Father could tell me… That I have not forsaken Him. I haven’t! Happy tears.

It’s only clothes. It’s way more than clothes

The second post I made in the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids… I thank God for my tribe.

WARNING: This is early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 6, 2015

Day 3 of Joseph being Kai in public:

I woke up at 3am in a cold sweat. My brain going 100mph. Guilt, shame, confusion… Wondering what I’ve done to my 4.5 year old son. Fear that by letting him wear clothes he claims are his real clothes, that I’ve ruined his chances of being a “normal” boy someday… I justify it with knowing our experience with Kai since he was 18 months old. I justify my actions by knowing it’s been a long process and a prayerful decision filled with doctors and research. He laughs differently now that he doesn’t have to wear boy clothes, that he can be who he really is. He is relaxed and happy. No more boy in public/girl at home. I always felt having two personalities (public/private) was probably unhealthy. Wait, “Probably”? Of course it’s unhealthy.

I am a great mom for doing the research for the past couple of years with an open mind and heart. I’m a terrible mom. I’m such a loving Christian. I am a terrible Christian. What would Jesus do? Jesus was never a mom so we will never know. LOL

I read what many adult transgender people say about their childhood and I’m determined, NOT MY CHILD. I will not do that to my child. Why am I listening to them? They are confused. Aren’t they? Nope, society is confused. No. I am confused.

It’s just clothes Kimberly. Just breathe.

I am totally using this page for my meltdown. In public I pretend to be doing this well… But at 3am I can’t fake it.

What do I do with all my stash of “Boy Mom” shirts? Am I still allowed in that club? And really, why is that bothering me so much?

For years now, I have to edit nearly ever pic of him before sharing with family. Pics around our home always have him in a t-shirt dress. Since before two years old he would make dresses and skirts from his shirts. He would use anything to make headbands. Just a desperate child needing to be… Just be allowed to be…

So, in a couple of hours he will wake up again and be allowed to choose his own clothes again for the third time. I’m certain he is going to pick the Sophia the First t-shirt and the black skort while I put on my game-face. He is then going to be frustrated with his hair still being too shirt and beg for earrings and I’m going to tell him again, not yet. Give mommy a little more time.

I guess it’s worth my temporary insanity to prevent his. Right?

It’s only clothes. It’s way more than clothes.

The Bible says if I ask for wisdom He is faithful to give. It’s just so hard to hear The Lord speaking to me with all these fellow Christians voices being so loud. Y’all pray for me to not be double-minded. I’d appreciate coming back from this mildly schizophrenic episode.