3rd Birthday

For her third birthday Kai begged for a Minnie Mouse themed party. But because that wasn’t “appropriate for a boy” the theme was Mickey & friends… but only the boy appropriate friends. She was so disappointed 😞

You see, I already knew. I knew. I hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. I was scared. I was scared because I knew that I knew that I knew that Kai was a girl.

I thank God she is such a strong-willed child.

The hope found in Pulse

I wrote this on June 14, 2016

Yesterday was a very new experience for me. I’ve spent many years in “Mom ministry” but yesterday… Being virtually surrounded by Moms of LGBTQ children, I witnessed ministry and love in a new and powerful way.

Moms joining forces to check on our moms in the Orlando area to make sure all of our babies were safe. Moms reaching out to the moms you saw on the news, and to moms of those we found out about through connection, just to let them know that this huge group of moms is praying for them and we ache, and we cry, and we cry some more with them and for them.

Our secret sounding board on Facebook where the wall filled with raw emotions as we each processed what we were feeling. A sounding board because of the hate we saw as scripture was being used to justify these kids being slaughtered inside Pulse nightclub. A sounding board because our family and friends don’t understand that this effects us differently. A sounding board for celebration as some of our kids & families decided yesterday not to be hidden and came out publicly and announced who they are to their churches. A sounding board that I wish, I wish the world could see… But it can’t. The world can’t see our secret space here because it’s our safe place. Our nonjudgmental Christ filled space where love abounds.

I believe that God will use this tragedy to bring about good. I believe God will be glorified. I believe because it gives me hope. I believe because He is hope.

This is the perfect opportunity for each of us to be the Hands & Feet of Jesus ❤️

Modesty

June 2014. Kai was 3.5 and this is a year before we allowed her to socially transition. She consistently told us, “you know I’m a girl”. This picture makes me smile. She made sure to cover her chest for the pic. My beautiful modest little girl ❤. She was still herself, even before I let her be herself. PS: Yes, that’s underwear on their heads. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The Ice Cape

Kai was three years and three months old in these photos. The “ice cape” was a laundry bag that she had claimed as her own and would wear it almost daily.

On the same day, this group photo took several shots because I kept yelling at Kai to “stop making girly faces” and “just let me get a picture.”

It’s all so clear now… Kai has always been Kai 💗 I am so thankful she helped ME transition.

Two steps back

Post 7 from the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids.

WARNING: This was early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 22, 2015

I bribed Kai to wear boy clothes today. *Sigh* My older kid’s had a school function and I didn’t want to risk the potential embarrassment that may cause them in front of their peers… It cost me a “My Little Pony” movie. Anyway. I feel so awful. I tried explaining on 4 yr old terms. Kai was so sad… crushed is probably a better word… her little spirit broken. Why did I do that to her? To protect my bigger kids I guess. Maybe to protect myself? Ugh. When will I quit taking one step forward and two steps back? When will I allow this to get easier?

Love unconditionally

Leelah Alcorn hoped her story would make a difference… it made a difference for Kai. Leelah’s suicide note would run through my mind almost constantly as I continued to try to force Kai to be a boy…

“If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.”

http://www.cnn.com/2014/12/31/us/ohio-transgender-teen-suicide/

The story of 4 year old Zachary Dutro-Boggess was another one I could not shake. While this baby was killed in 2012, the trial was in the news in 2014. The mom, using a slur, told her boyfriend that she thought Zachary was going to be gay. “He walks and talks like it. Ugh,” the mom wrote. She then asked him to “work on” the boy “big time.” The cute chubby-cheeked toddlers face sticks with me still.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/oregon-mom-found-guilty-murdering-4-year-old-son-thought-gay-article-1.1746234

Leelah & Zachary are examples of moms failing their children, they lost their lives because of bigotry… but they helped Kai to have hers by helping her mommy to not fail.

So I will endure the hateful attacks of those who have not fasted, prayed, and studied the Bible, the science, and the psychology of what it means to love unconditionally, what it truly means to not judge, what gender dysphoria is, and what it is not. My child is alive, happy, and loves Jesus. I am at peace and the Lord is pleased.

Focus on the good

While in line to check out at the grocery store the elderly woman in front of me was conversing with a teenager. She was a heavy set granny with a nose ring and tattoos sitting on the battery operated shopping chair. The young man was explaining that he needed cigarettes too as he placed the” malt liquor” on the counter and his way too baggy pants nearly fell to the ground. Granny flipped out her Lonestar card and I was beginning to think quite a few things when I stopped… Instead I began to think about all the times I have been hurt by the unfair judgments of others who have no clue about me or my life. I quietly bowed my head and asked God to forgive me. Then I purposefully noticed this teen who had driven this elderly woman to the grocery store and assisted her with her grocery shopping.

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable…-Philippians 4:8

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. -Matthew 7:1-2

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. –Luke 6:37

**This was an “On This Day” from my retired Facebook page. Y’all wouldn’t believe how many ugly messages I got when I posted this. I was even “unfriended” by a lady from my Bible Study group. Lol. Thank God I am now free from the bondage of the expectations of others.