September 12, 2015

Kai is 4 years 9 months in this photo.

She put the outfit together herself and asked me to take her picture.

This was very early into her being allowed to choose her own clothes to wear and growing out her hair. Lord, I remember how fervently we prayed together for her hair to grow faster.

This beautiful smile hides the fact that she was being punished every single day for acting like a girl… I’m so thankful she was born fierce & knowing who she is and that God truly does not make mistakes.

Kai is about 3.5-4 years old in this picture.

hiraeth (n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home that maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

The barn at my Mamaw & Papaw’s place in Higgin’s Settlement, Texas

I grew up in the house across the red dirt & gravel road from Momma Doshie’s (my great grandma) pond in Ticky Bend, Mississippi.

Almost Heaven… Manvel, Texas

Tell me, are you homesick for a place to which you cannot return?

This is Kai at 19 months. The baby had been a toy in the childcare at church.

Kai would fight the other kids for it and cry when I picked her up and they’d take it away. *we were in church 3-4 times a week*

Someone finally gave her the baby 😇

For her third birthday Kai begged for a Minnie Mouse themed party. But because that wasn’t “appropriate for a boy” the theme was Mickey & friends… but only the boy appropriate friends. She was so disappointed 😞

You see, I already knew. I knew. I hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. I was scared. I was scared because I knew that I knew that I knew that Kai was a girl.

I thank God she is such a strong-willed child.

I wrote this on June 14, 2016

Yesterday was a very new experience for me. I’ve spent many years in “Mom ministry” but yesterday… Being virtually surrounded by Moms of LGBTQ children, I witnessed ministry and love in a new and powerful way.

Moms joining forces to check on our moms in the Orlando area to make sure all of our babies were safe. Moms reaching out to the moms you saw on the news, and to moms of those we found out about through connection, just to let them know that this huge group of moms is praying for them and we ache, and we cry, and we cry some more with them and for them.

Our secret sounding board on Facebook where the wall filled with raw emotions as we each processed what we were feeling. A sounding board because of the hate we saw as scripture was being used to justify these kids being slaughtered inside Pulse nightclub. A sounding board because our family and friends don’t understand that this effects us differently. A sounding board for celebration as some of our kids & families decided yesterday not to be hidden and came out publicly and announced who they are to their churches. A sounding board that I wish, I wish the world could see… But it can’t. The world can’t see our secret space here because it’s our safe place. Our nonjudgmental Christ filled space where love abounds.

I believe that God will use this tragedy to bring about good. I believe God will be glorified. I believe because it gives me hope. I believe because He is hope.

This is the perfect opportunity for each of us to be the Hands & Feet of Jesus ❤️

June 2014. Kai was 3.5 and this is a year before we allowed her to socially transition. She consistently told us, “you know I’m a girl”. This picture makes me smile. She made sure to cover her chest for the pic. My beautiful modest little girl ❤. She was still herself, even before I let her be herself. PS: Yes, that’s underwear on their heads. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kai was three years and three months old in these photos. The “ice cape” was a laundry bag that she had claimed as her own and would wear it almost daily.

On the same day, this group photo took several shots because I kept yelling at Kai to “stop making girly faces” and “just let me get a picture.”

It’s all so clear now… Kai has always been Kai 💗 I am so thankful she helped ME transition.

Post 7 from the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids.

WARNING: This was early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 22, 2015

I bribed Kai to wear boy clothes today. *Sigh* My older kid’s had a school function and I didn’t want to risk the potential embarrassment that may cause them in front of their peers… It cost me a “My Little Pony” movie. Anyway. I feel so awful. I tried explaining on 4 yr old terms. Kai was so sad… crushed is probably a better word… her little spirit broken. Why did I do that to her? To protect my bigger kids I guess. Maybe to protect myself? Ugh. When will I quit taking one step forward and two steps back? When will I allow this to get easier?