It’s only clothes. It’s way more than clothes

The second post I made in the secret group for Christian moms of transgender kids… I thank God for my tribe.

WARNING: This is early in our social transition (coming out of the closet). I still used wrong pronouns and probably said things I wouldn’t say now. But THIS is our journey and we share it with the belief that transparency changes hearts.

August 6, 2015

Day 3 of Joseph being Kai in public:

I woke up at 3am in a cold sweat. My brain going 100mph. Guilt, shame, confusion… Wondering what I’ve done to my 4.5 year old son. Fear that by letting him wear clothes he claims are his real clothes, that I’ve ruined his chances of being a “normal” boy someday… I justify it with knowing our experience with Kai since he was 18 months old. I justify my actions by knowing it’s been a long process and a prayerful decision filled with doctors and research. He laughs differently now that he doesn’t have to wear boy clothes, that he can be who he really is. He is relaxed and happy. No more boy in public/girl at home. I always felt having two personalities (public/private) was probably unhealthy. Wait, “Probably”? Of course it’s unhealthy.

I am a great mom for doing the research for the past couple of years with an open mind and heart. I’m a terrible mom. I’m such a loving Christian. I am a terrible Christian. What would Jesus do? Jesus was never a mom so we will never know. LOL

I read what many adult transgender people say about their childhood and I’m determined, NOT MY CHILD. I will not do that to my child. Why am I listening to them? They are confused. Aren’t they? Nope, society is confused. No. I am confused.

It’s just clothes Kimberly. Just breathe.

I am totally using this page for my meltdown. In public I pretend to be doing this well… But at 3am I can’t fake it.

What do I do with all my stash of “Boy Mom” shirts? Am I still allowed in that club? And really, why is that bothering me so much?

For years now, I have to edit nearly ever pic of him before sharing with family. Pics around our home always have him in a t-shirt dress. Since before two years old he would make dresses and skirts from his shirts. He would use anything to make headbands. Just a desperate child needing to be… Just be allowed to be…

So, in a couple of hours he will wake up again and be allowed to choose his own clothes again for the third time. I’m certain he is going to pick the Sophia the First t-shirt and the black skort while I put on my game-face. He is then going to be frustrated with his hair still being too shirt and beg for earrings and I’m going to tell him again, not yet. Give mommy a little more time.

I guess it’s worth my temporary insanity to prevent his. Right?

It’s only clothes. It’s way more than clothes.

The Bible says if I ask for wisdom He is faithful to give. It’s just so hard to hear The Lord speaking to me with all these fellow Christians voices being so loud. Y’all pray for me to not be double-minded. I’d appreciate coming back from this mildly schizophrenic episode.